Posts Tagged ‘ My Life / Christian Living ’

Freedom, Healing, and Deliverance

I have much to praise the Lord for today!  Firstly, for the deliverance I have experienced.  Let me tell you more of the tale…

As I sit here fumbling for the words to type, I realize I have, yet again, been rendered ‘wordless’ by the mighty works of God.  He is I Am, the God of creation, of hope, of life.  He is Rapha Elohim, the God of healing.  I was just reading in Jeremiah 30, where God is telling His people that the wound they bear is incurable.  Nothing can heal them.  A part of me resonates with this as I look back over my life.  The struggle, the sin, the shame…I was too far gone, and there was nothing I felt that could fix what I had become.

Yet there God is, looking at His people and telling them, “But I will heal you.”  God proves Himself to be greater than the nothingness.  And the same has been true in my life.  Back in March, there was a self-inflicted injury to my wrist that I believe could have been fatal…but the very next day when inspecting the damages, I found this wound to be closed.  It was still a cut that would come to heal over time, but it was no longer potentially life-threatening.

Looking at the scar now, it appears to be a slit closed by skin-made stitches.  There is no other explanation outside of the promise that God has made to come and heal.  And at the same time, He has called me to Go and heal… so because I have been rescued and healed of my own iniquities, I must then go and heal the broken.  I am capable to do this because I have been called, and in my calling over time, He has been mending my wounds and breathing forgiveness so that I might know beyond any doubt that healing comes.

Coming out of the celebration of previous posts Awestruck and The Heart’s Praise, I am now able to testify to the mighty works of God behind their words.  Some may call me crazy; others may call me a fanatic.  Whatever.  I have experienced God in ways my faith never thought possible…  Let it be known that God has been faithful!

You see, I have been delivered from many evil spirits.  It has been estimated at least one hundred – if not more – have been released from my body.  And I have never felt so full of excitement and joy.  God has proven His faithfulness through the darkness, to restore me back as a child of the light.  I have the peace of the Holy Spirit, the sort of peace that surpasses understanding.  Glory to our great God forever!   In the name of Jesus Christ and through love, I am now free!

At the mention of deliverance and demonic activity, it’s as though my legs go into a sense of hyperdrive.  Shaking, trembling, and tension spasms occur.  I wasn’t sure what to make of it at first.  Periodically in the month after my deliverance, I would experience this discomfort.  I didn’t want to think too much of it but at the same time, I was a little concerned.  Is it demonic?  Is it healing?  Because of the overwhelming joy I have experienced, I was more taken with the latter idea.  Besides, there wasn’t any area I could think where I still needed freedom!

I sat, asking God, “Why are my legs shaking?”

Flashback to a portion of the prophecy I received… God is pleased with your questioning.  It’s a childlike faith within you…

God, I don’t want this to be demonic.  I know that’s been taken care of.  What then, is this?!  So I got out my Bible and started scanning Scripture for any sort of clue.  Surely God will give me an answer… And as I looked, it seemed to be clear: “But this is the one to whom I will look, to the humble and contrite in spirit, who trembles at my word” (Isaiah 66:2b).   It just makes sense…  I have mentioned within my deliverance team that the area of my Cerebral Palsy has not been ‘healed’ in full because God has chosen to allow it to keep me humble.

It’s a thorn-in-my-flesh sort of ordeal.  But as I know it, it’s all I’ve ever known of my strength and limitations.  Someday I will know a life away from this fallen body and things will be different then.  Until that day, however, God’s promise reigns true: My grace is sufficient for you, my strength made perfect in your weakness.  I have been made free.  The chains have been broken.  Amen, glory be to the God making all things new!

Perhaps the trembling is a sign of things to come; of healing to come.  I don’t know, but I realize it’s a possibility.  In my calling, God has started revealing my ministry of healing.  It’s come in subtle ways, encouraging the idea that the time is near.  Such ways as saying my words of testimony have brought the power of the Holy Spirit resting in the midst of restlessness.  And I know there’s nothing about me that makes that significant, just to know for whatever reason, God has chosen to use me to minister through in the deliverance that I have first received in the name of Jesus Christ.

I’m blown away by the things I have seen.  It’s absolutely incredible to see how God has chosen to move.  He has moved in ways of music, in words, prayers, and prophecy.  I was always the skeptic to half of these things, but at the same time, I have tasted and seen.  And I have been amazed to see God destroy false beliefs within me and tear down the walls of my skepticism.  I am hesitant to believe all I have heard, but the more I walk in my deliverance, the more I am seeing those things played out before my life.

Happiness has overtaken my emotions.  Grateful doesn’t begin to cut it, coming from a place of hatred and bitterness.  Those things are gone, replenished with peace and hope.  I am full of joy, miracles have come to light.  My God is strong.  This comes at a time of remembrance, knowing that this day (Sept. 30) has been one of heaviness and despair for many years as the day I began self-injuring in 2007.  Today, instead, I celebrate.

I am alive, and I am free!  All honor, power, and glory are Yours alone, Lord Jesus!  Amen!

2013
09/30
CATEGORY
Mental Health
My Life / Christian Living
My Testimony
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Suicide: The Darkest Days

These days, I know joy on a very intimate level.

This was something I never could have imagined at my worst.  In those days, I was angry, I was empty, I was broken; I thought I was alone.  I couldn’t go a day without thinking of killing myself, because surely the pain of death couldn’t be worse than the emotional turmoil I was in.  And honestly, that wasn’t all that long ago.  I pushed people away.  I stopped talking.  I took it out on myself.   I lived in terror of who/what I had become.  This was how I lived for weeks, if not months.  And gradually it got worse, life became darker, and I wanted to die.

There came a breaking point where my crisis overtook me.  Rather than haphazardly attempting suicide, I reached out.  My blog post, Hospitalized, tells the story of my two-week stay in the Psychiatric Unit.

I would from there seek treatment that was appropriate for the things I was struggling through.  During my intake, I would be given two diagnoses.  In my blog post, Midnight Prayers, I only speak of the second one, because I was terrified of being labeled with Borderline Personality Disorder.  I’ve since learned that these things don’t define me.  In the beginning, I wondered if I was ever going to live a life free from impulsivity and self-destructiveness.  I now am.

It can easily be called a miracle, that I am where I’m at today.  Where mental health issues once ran my life, they do not anymore.  I have been made free.  I am restored to sanity, if we’re going alongside the 12 Steps.  And I live with the high hope that this is true for anyone struggling in the depths of darkness.  This hope naturally goes into my most recent post, Christian Community & Suicide.

I think of the words of Jesus in John 5:6, “Do you want to be made well?”

2013
09/12
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Mental Health
My Life / Christian Living
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Christian Community & Suicide

“And everyone’s quoting their teachers and preachers, but their words make me feel so alone.  No one ever says that they’ve had those thoughts in the middle of the night.  No one ever admits that they wanted to take their life…”

– Emery, I Never Got to See the West Coast

People need to know that hope exists.  They need others to lift them up in prayer, hold them accountable, and encourage them.  As I’ve seen it, Christian community ought to encompass this for all members of the body.  The joy of fellowship should then overflow into the community and the helping of others.  Living in a community that is open and honest can be the start of change.  We get to love people, and love them well.

Let’s face it…  The crisis of suicide is horribly tragic.  It’s a fragile topic; one we wish didn’t have to be discussed.  But we can’t not talk about it.  We can work to prevent lives lost.  We can help people get through their moments of darkness and difficulty.

Christians, what if we were living as Jesus Himself called us to live?  What if we were truly living to love God and love people as we love ourselves (Mark 12:29-31; 1 John 4:7)?  And remembering all the while that this struggle is not against flesh and blood (Ephesians 6:12).

The reasons behind suicide are numerous.  Suicide cares not and no one is exempt.  If you’d have told me at fourteen that between ages sixteen and seventeen I would attempt suicide on at least three separate occasions, I wouldn’t have believed you.  I was happier then, a newly-baptized Christian….and surely Christians don’t do that, right?

I was wrong.

We hold on to false beliefs.  We believe so many lies.  1 John 4:1 tells us we ought to test the spirits, for not all are of God.   We are not perfect, and we are susceptible to the temptation of darkness around us.  False spirits, false beliefs, those that torment people to tell them they don’t deserve to live, that they’re worthless, etc. are everywhere.  Christians are not immune.  But we know in Christ we have authority over such spirits (Luke 10:19-20).

It’s hard.  It is.  This is proven in that the rate of suicide is increasing.  According to Newsweek, suicide is now the leading cause of death for those between the ages of 15-49.  No one should have to face the darkness alone.

What if we made life easier on each other?

People need to know hope exists for them.  In some of my darkest moments, an encouraging word went a long way.  Written notes were always the best – that meant I could look back on them when I started wavering.  Some were simple expressions of gladness for my life, that I light up a room, that I exist.  Others were reminders to persevere through the darkness.  Regardless, every note made me remember why life was worth living when I felt I had nothing left to give.

Step up.  Live the life you were meant to live.  Use your gifts and talents for the glory of God.  For me, I’m a writer.  I write to encourage others.  Encourage others to move as they can, encourage others to think about matters of life and the heart – the exact purpose of writing this blog.

Let’s love others.  Let’s get the help we need, so we can step out and help others.  We can be the change.  We have the ability to save lives.  Be a safe person for those in need.  Listen, and be intentional.  Be Christ.

We all need a little help sometimes.  Honestly, the last place we should feel alone is within beloved community.  We ought to bear one another’s burdens, and lighten the weight.  Tell people why it is they ought to stay alive.  Remind them they are valuable.  Never take a life for granted.  I’ve spent hours on the phone and on late-night chats with friends, begging them to stay alive.  I am grateful to report they all have.  It is my hope that my time and effort helped keep them safe as I followed the call of Christ to be with them.

We’re called to live this day.  Celebrate it, cherish it.  It’s all we’ve got.  We’re told not to worry about tomorrow.  We are living a story in the way we live our lives.  Let’s be known as a people who were unafraid to show they cared, to be the support of someone else, who reached out, who sought welfare in every situation.  We will not give up.  We will rise above.

Bless somebody.  You can make a difference in someone’s life.

“Do not avoid those who weep, but mourn with those who mourn.” – Sirach 7:34

If you are suicidal, I urge you to reach out.  Seek help.  You are not alone.   The darkness likes to make us believe we are.  Hold fast.  Stand your ground.  You’re worth more than this.  You are not ‘weak’ for feeling this way.  Please know that you cannot be replaced.  We all have worth.  We’re all unique.  We all have purpose.  You are valuable.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that all of this is true.  Go ahead, test it.  Live it out.  Be Jesus to the world around you.  God bless you on this journey.

Grace and peace to you,

Kady

2013
09/10
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Christianity
Mental Health
My Life / Christian Living
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The Heart’s Praise

It’s with tears in my eyes that I sing, “I’m alive!”  Joy like that I cannot explain floods my life.  Peace traverses these veins, and I’m alive – Oh, God, I’m alive!  The crack that ran so deeply through my soul has been mended.  Oh, praise You, Jesus!!  Praise Your glory, Your power, that which brings me to my knees and humbles me.  The depths of my soul cry out and rejoice in You.

I am so overwhelmed by the love I have for my Lord.  Such love that has set me free.  Such love that has me in tears, for the goodness I feel.  He has redeemed my darkness.  My heart knows mercy, and that mercy has no bounds.  I am healed.  I am healed!  My heart bursts with joy and a peace that I have never known before.

My broken heart, it is healed.  Jesus has captivated me and cultivates my praise.  He has brought me to life everlasting!  I cling to You, my Lord.  I am so in awe.  You are the light that guides this path.  You are the stirring in my soul that cries – More, MORE!  It is a pure desire that comes from deep within.

I rejoice!  I sing!  I dance!

I am free!

2013
08/25
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My Life / Christian Living
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Awestruck.

Have you ever been speechless?

Wordless.

Nothing I could say or write explains the peace in my heart and life.

Yet here I am.

Only God brings this peace I can’t comprehend.

I am stirred by the presence of His Holy Spirit.

I am alive by His fire.  None compare to His glory; He is all-consuming.

Jesus is holy, mighty, and true.  He is the faithful One making ALL things new!

Purified, I’ve been refined.  I am victorious in His blood.

Called to do Your will, to heal the broken; as You’ve called, so I will go.

2013
08/23
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My Life / Christian Living
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Baptism

IMG_20130731_050959Eight years have come and gone.  Eight long, difficult years.  Eight incredible years.  Did I understand at the tender age of fourteen what I was getting into when I “accepted Jesus” and was baptized?  Absolutely not.  I didn’t even begin to understand what it meant to live for the Kingdom of God until I got to college.  And even then, in the midst of my personal struggles, to this day I fight to understand.

Did I know approximately two years after my baptism I’d still be struggling, and even more so than ever before?  Would I be able to tell my life would never be the same after that first time I took a sharp object to my skin?  No.  At the time, I thought self-harm was stupid, and didn’t understand why anyone would ever do that to themselves.  I would have never guessed that at sixteen, life would take on a different direction than the journey I thought I was about to embark upon.

It makes me think of a quote in Donald Miller’s Blue Like Jazz,

Early on, I made the mistake of wanting spiritual feelings to endure and remain romantic.  Like a new couple expecting to always feel in love, I operated my faith thinking God and I were going to walk around smelling flowers.  When this didn’t happen, I became confused.  What was more frustrating than the loss of exhilaration was the return of my struggles with sin.  I had become a Christian, so why did I still struggle with lust, greed, and envy? (p. 60).

“Good” Christian logic says we don’t struggle with things like that because Holy Spirit.  Wait.  What?  Despite all I lack, I’m still human.  Or perhaps I am not human enough, in light of Jesus.  It’s hard with the things I face to look at my life in a God’s eye view.  If I can’t bring myself to see my value on that level, there must be something wrong.   I don’t get it.  It’s like some people don’t understand I do try, I am trying.  Always.  But there are days when everything is wrong, and with all the trust in Jesus in the world, I still cannot push beyond these things.  I am not grateful for the new mornings that come to me, because let’s be honest, I can’t bring myself to care beyond the tears of pain and hurt.  I just want to go Home.

And some have shunned me for that.  Or looked past my hurt, my sadness, my deep anger, the things I “can’t” control, and tell me I need to focus more on Jesus.  Like I don’t do that at all ever.  Let me put it clearly: Jesus is the ONLY reason I’m still alive.  It’s through tears I write that, because I’ve been terrified of myself for quite a long time.  I don’t know what place my mental health has with my faith, but it’s for some reason God only knows.  I have people surrounding me, telling me I’m victorious in Him, but it’s exhausting to look at it in that manner.  I’m thankful they love me that much to not give up.  It’s those siblings in Christ who understand my position more than the one saying I’m living all wrong.

And honestly, there are times when I don’t know which one is right.  But I am appreciative of those who support and encourage me, and I try to do likewise.  Encouragement is my “thing” even when I’m struggling, too.  And I believe God has put me in a place of knowledge over various issues of mental health (living with them) in order to better pursue people passionately with the love of Christ in the days when I am a counselor, myself.  Perhaps I just answered my own ponderings above, for what reason only He knows I struggle like this.

So I press on.  He who began this work in me so many years ago will see me through until I finally do get to go Home.  I am reminded in my fragile state of being that I don’t belong here, and that’s why I just can’t find solace right now.  But in the day when I see His wonderful grace completed in me, then I know the journey will have been worth it all along.  So I press on.

The water that flooded over me cleansed darkness that hadn’t even existed yet, and what amazement and joy that brings to my heart.  There’s something greater within me than that of which I am often so preoccupied with.  Thank You, Spirit.  I have often been reminded of the victory I have already won.  And while I often don’t feel it, in the pressure and stress and burden, it’s in times like these that I know.  I know beyond my doubts.  I know beyond my pain.  I know beyond my addiction.  I know beyond this flesh of mine.  I have been redeemed by the blood of the Lamb, my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

2013
07/31
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Mental Health
My Life / Christian Living
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Midnight Prayers

Disclaimer: This blog is raw and honest, containing some strong adult language.  As with my previous “major” post on the status of my mental health, Hospitalized,  I have chosen to begin with an Icon For Hire song with great purpose.  Iodine has been a song of comfort in the long nights where the darkness has just been unbearable.  It is also the only song that I feel describes….this.  This blog post attempts to process my emotions and thoughts so that they’re “out there” rather than sitting bottled up in my head.  It’s with many hours and tears these words were typed, a frantic crying for hope.  At the same time, I want you to know I’m okay.  I’m just learning what it means to live (again).

Continue reading →

2013
07/19
CATEGORY
Mental Health
My Life / Christian Living
My Testimony
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Transparency and Accountability: Helping Those Helping Others

I’m posting this today in part as a birthday gift to my best friend and accountability partner.  This post is specifically about accountability as it relates to pornography addiction, though it is my hope that the information provided can and will apply to accountability and addiction in general.

Talking about addiction to pornography is not an easy task.  It’s a problem many refuse to admit they have, let alone allow someone else in to help them get out of a lifestyle of sin.  Some might wish to argue that point, but the reality is a lot of porn comes directly out of human trafficking, the modern-day slavery.   I follow organizations such as Women at Risk International and Rapha House, part of whose purpose is to free those caught up in sex trafficking and give them opportunities for a better life.  Yet at the same time, stuck in my own little habit of porn, I go against the very thing I support – freedom.

Accountability calls for the freedom of the addict.  Having an accountability partner doesn’t simply make an addiction go away.  (If only that were the case!)  The reality is this: addiction is a symptom of the mind, and over time it rewires the brain to crave and need more of the addictive release in order to feel better.  Without it, it’s as though the brain goes crazy and searches out opportunities to get that release.  A struggling person will go to great lengths in order to escape the perceived negative reality.

Pornography, and alongside it masturbation, is not really about nudity and self-stimulated pleasure.  There’s bigger, deeper issues of pain, abuse, trauma, etc. going on within a person.  These are things the person holding them accountable needs to understand.  On top of this, it is also important to know that the person struggling with pornography might not know these underlying issues, for the emotions they bring up they have long since buried deep inside themselves.

That being said, an accountability partner should not be put in the position of counselor.  While they will have to make judgment calls on what to say and where to help, they themselves cannot tackle every point and that should be known to both parties as they take on the task of accountability.  It ought to take a certain level of maturity to know what one can and cannot handle.  If counseling is needed in addition to accountability, that should be a considered option.

The partner holding one accountable ought to know that in addiction, relapse happens.  In the midst of relapse, they ought to uplift and encourage their friend with Scripture and the hopes of moving forward.  In the midst of the person’s shame, guilt, and negative outlook of themselves, it is important to bring the focus back into a positive view of God as compassionate and understanding, much in the same light of the story of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32).

An accountability partner ought to encourage the truth of their friend and stick with them even when times are tough.  It’s a judgment call as to how accountability ought to be carried out – whether it be by phone or in person, and how often the two meet, whether daily, weekly, etc.  Sticking it out during a relapse may mean making the decision to show tough love, which might be what is needed in order to have a person see and face the reality of the situation before them.  How this could be put into effect can vary from person to person, so talking openly about relapse and relapse prevention and what the “tough love” might look like would be a smart strategy.

It’s important in accountability to have software set up to help monitor and filter one’s online activities.  For me personally,  x3Watch has been a huge blessing in the process of recovery.  I use x3Watch on all my mobile devices (cell phone, iPod Touch) and x3Watch Pro on my laptop.  Slip-ups happen, as I mentioned previously.  (And as a result, I’m in the process of looking to further make my devices more secure in order to help my recovery!)  Relapse is a part of addiction that must learned to be tamed.  It takes time.  But the time invested into this is worth it.  I have to remind myself of this on a daily basis, because sometimes it just doesn’t feel true.

Having a written plan of action during temptation is a great way to put into words what a person ought to do in the heat of the moment.  It will take time for the effects to take place, but the more one chooses to opt out of their addictive patterns for the sake of their purity and accountability, the more they will begin to rewire their brains towards healthy patterns.  Making time and putting effort into this will help the person struggling with addiction begin to realize how deeply their problem is affecting their life.  Asking the tough questions also allows for continued communication as to what is going on, and getting towards the root of one’s addiction.

So what’s there to say?  How can an accountability partner help their friend break free from the dark grasp of addiction?  Questions might seem tedious, but they help to get thoughts flowing as to what is going on and why it is happening.  It works much in the same way as counseling, though probably not as deep – the accountability partner becomes an active listener as they guide their friend through the thoughts and emotions taking place around the addiction.  The following questions are sample questions taken from A Christian Woman’s Guide to Breaking Free From Pornography by Shelley Hitz and S’ambrosia Curtis in Chapter 13 – Accountability: One Key to Breaking Free (pp. 79-80)

  • How has your spiritual life been?  Have you prayed, sincerely, and been reading God’s word?
  • Have you viewed any pornographic images since we last met, intentionally or unintentionally?
  • Have you acted out in any way since we last met? 
  • If so, how, and what steps will you take to avoid doing so in the future?
  • Have you done anything since we last met that you are ashamed of?
  • Have you lied to me today in any of your answers?
  • How can I pray for you today?

Such questions can be a start towards the recovery the person struggling needs in order to pull themselves out of the fantasy they have created around themselves, building walls away from their relationships to keep people out of their dark, hidden secret.  The process doesn’t happen overnight for change to take place, in most cases.

It could take years to pull away from years of building up selfish indulgence and tolerance which has brought them deeper and deeper in their cycle. A friend must be understanding of this, realizing this is more than just a spiritual and relational issue.  It’s a mental issue, too.  And these things together take time and patience.  Please be respectful of those who are hurting so much that they feel the need to escape.

Hold tightly to the truth that Jesus heals, and one day, your friend will be free.  Freedom isn’t a fast fix.  But it is obtainable.  Take it slow, take it one day at a time.  Be honest with yourself and with God and also with your friend; this goes for both sides of the accountability relationship.  It is only with Jesus that the heart and mind will be free.  Focus on Him always.

Another book that has helped me tremendously in the walk to freedom is Michael Cusick’s Surfing For God.  This book takes the reader through the psychological and spiritual forces at play when it comes to addiction to pornography and masturbation.  In my opinion, it’s one book needed in the collection towards freedom that gives practical advice from someone who’s dealt with it all in his own time.  Though it’s a book designed for men by a man, the points it makes are highly gender neutral in this battle when it comes to the core beliefs that we hold, and how to demolish strongholds in our lives.

In relation to this post, founder of XXXChurch Craig Gross, has an upcoming book on this topic called Open.  If you haven’t checked it out yet, I would recommend doing so.  It is my prayer that the book will help further the accountability my best friend and I have had during the last two years, and the time spent from here on out.  Living in openness is the best policy one could ask for, as it’s in the openness of our hearts that freedom reigns.

All of this comes out of my own personal experience in dealing with my addiction.  After many rough patches and difficult conversations, I realized it was in my hands to help the one helping me.  It is my hope that this would not only help my accountability partner, but also anyone who is holding someone accountable.

Grace and peace to you,

Kady

2013
07/17
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Mental Health
My Life / Christian Living
Porn Addiction
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Words don’t describe when they’re all we’ve got.  We try to put into words what pain has done to our lives, but nothing suffices.  We sit and stare, twiddling our thumbs, hoping that somehow thoughts would surface and do so properly.  When we do speak, we fumble for the words that have been pounding through our minds, but there’s nothing there but emptiness.  So we fall into further despair because we don’t know what to say. 

We scream silent prayers, begging God to sync our lips with our minds, but terrified of the results, we doubt. Oh, how we doubt.  Not our faith, but our own ability.  To be honest would mean reality we don’t want to deal with.  So we sit, staring blankly at nothing.  We’re afraid nothing we could ever say would really get us anywhere at all.  Because whatever we can say could never compare to the things inside our head.  And the two just don’t connect. 

I speak in plural, knowing I’m not the only one who has ever felt this way.  For many of us, this is the way we think, the way we live, the things we know.  I am not alone in this.  And neither are you.  And so we continue on, though we don’t know how to put words to paper or words to air the way we wish.  It sucks not knowing what to say, but we’ve got to try.  Trying is what matters most when all else is fading away.

Jesus, grant me the courage when strength is gone.  Give me the words that would speak truth to my reality.  Allow me to be accepting of the things now past that I would learn to heal.  Teach me what it means to give grace in the midst of darkness.  Help me to never give up.  It’s in Your precious name I pray.  Amen.

2013
07/15
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Mental Health
My Life / Christian Living
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Persistence

I try, and I try.  I don’t give up.  I won’t.  I think of the saying of Nietzsche, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”  It’s been a long time since I’ve known peace.  Those closest to me understand at least that much.  Sometimes not even an encouraging word can make it better.  But they sure do try, and I know they won’t give up, either.  I appreciate that of those I call true friends; they fight as much as I do in this war.  They make sure I know I’m not battling alone.

More often than not, I feel alone in the crowd.  But if I’m physically alone, I feel something close to comfort and solace in the solitude – so long as I’m not in the dark.  That’s a whole other story altogether.  I must remember that I am an introvert, and I receive my energy from time alone.  When I can think clearly (which isn’t all that often, it seems) I’m able to slow down and unwind.

Demon Hunter says it well in their song, Deteriorate – “I need a heart that carries on through the pain when the walls start collapsing again.  Give me a soul that never ceases to follow, despite the infection within.” 

Sometimes I just need the time to sit back and just….try….to think.  And praise my God.  There’s nothing more fulfilling for me than to sit alone in silent worship.  I know my suffering and in that, I own my pain.  It creates in me all too often this space of deep emptiness, something I always feel lingering within me.  That doesn’t make me any less close to my beloved Creator.  I don’t know how to explain it, but I do know that God is close to the brokenhearted.  And I can’t explain why I always feel broken, but I know through it all, I am fighting for the peace and strength that surpasses understanding. 

Every day is a new chance to begin.  I stand on that, knowing every day can be something yesterday wasn’t.  It’s glorious that God’s mercies are new every morning, and all of this is more than simply vanity, grasping after the wind.  Praise God, oh my soul.  Rejoice in Him alone, even in your darkness.  For He is greater than this world, this you know.    

2013
07/10
CATEGORY
Mental Health
My Life / Christian Living
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