Posts Tagged ‘ Recovery ’

Musings

I’m grateful to finally have names for what’s going on inside my head. At the same time, that’s terrifying. I’ve been trying to understand where this began. Was it some event, or is it in my blood?  The likely answer is both.  And I’m wrestling with the details.

Bipolar Disorder, type I.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Borderline Personality Disorder.

I see all the diagnostic criteria before me. All makes sense from a clinical standpoint. But then there’s me…and what have I become?

I’ve been angry with God for quite a while. In the hospital, I raged, why would You make me this way?!  Still I’ve got no answers, and that silence is intimidating.

The chaplain asked me about God’s healing.  Why does God want to heal you? When I responded by ways of my calling into ministry (“so I can go and heal the broken!”) she reminded me that perhaps He would heal me simply because I am His dearly loved child…

And I’m not sure why that thought makes me cry.

All this guilt, all the pain. My scars. My shame. Why, God?

And yet He would love me. Take this brokenness upon Himself, bleed, and die to show us humans grace.  Redemption.  I am undeserving. Yet He did it despite…

Ultimately, dear Jesus, I am grateful for all You are.

Even if I don’t understand.

2014
03/23
CATEGORY
Mental Health
My Life / Christian Living
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Stress, Trauma, and the Color Orange: Hope and Recovery

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I live my life in black and white, finding myself caught up in the grey. I’m numb. I’m empty. I don’t have the words to place my emotions. What most people don’t know is that as an overall, in the last year I have spent six weeks in psychiatric inpatient care.  Guilt over what I’ve done and shame over who I am as a result plague my mind.  I don’t believe I exist.  I don’t know who I am.  It’s been this way for a very long time.

Cutting, self-injury, and suicidal ideation have all played a role in my three hospitalizations, whereas mania has played a role in the last two.  Tired of the constant retelling, my story for the last hospitalization boils down to, “I had a flashback and cut my wrist.”  I frantically, impulsively tried to regain control and end the pain… Intensity and emptiness, or otherwise feeling ‘nothing and everything’, explain my emotionality in words I don’t have.

I fight for the moment. I fight for the day. And I take each a step at a time. This process of recovery is a journey and I need to remember that.  Today, a year ago, was the day I first stepped into inpatient treatment; earlier today, I was discharged from a partial hospitalization program following my longest inpatient stay.IMG_20140311_224410

This last hospitalization was by far the best for me.   I’ve been validated to the severity of my mental illness and am grateful to be walking through it.

Staff not only cared for me, but took the time, effort, and patience to make sure I was equipped and educated on my diagnoses, the reasoning behind them, medications I’m being treated with, and what the best options are for therapy as well as what techniques I ought to make a priority in learning to cope.

I was shown grace in the midst of my hurt.

I’m not entirely sure where to go from here.  I have an idea, as with the things I have learned, I have been told to take it slow and can perceive I need to do so with a fair amount of caution.

In regards to some of the trauma I need to work through, I have been advised to take that even slower, waiting at least a year while using my healthy coping skills to dive into it so that I have lessened the self-destructive urges and can fight rather than find myself potentially impulsively attempting suicide should things not go as I want.  I need to be able to handle the emotions associated with the trauma, and that won’t be any time soon.

That was a tough one to swallow, but one in which I feel the group leader was totally correct on.  Right now I am emotionally vulnerable and unstable and I don’t think and I go too fast, and then I crash and see everything I had missed in the rush and blur.  I see the choices I’ve made impulsively or compulsively, out to destroy some part of me; I see all the pieces come together…but only after mistakes have been made and I sit for days at minimum hating that I gave in.

It’s a difficult, sticky sort of situation.  The work it’s going to take to dismember my cognitive distortions will be long and hard as I look towards positive self-affirmations and coping skills.  I have been taught so much on coping skills that I never knew were a thing but they are.PhotoGrid_1394845281172

And any time I make any mention of my struggle of self-injurious behavior it always comes back to that, “Well how are you doing with your coping skills?”  My struggle is that I know.  My struggle is that I don’t entirely know how to turn that knowledge into practice.  By the grace of God I continue to fight for every moment.  Affirming myself in the reality of moments done well is consistently difficult, but I’ve heard that will lessen in time.

As it stands, I am thankful to see my maladaptive behaviors lessening.  Yeah, it still sucks when I do give into temptation, but things are getting better.  I can praise God to see that shift becoming a change.  Maybe I won’t always wear rubber bands around my wrist.  Maybe I won’t always need to have a journal on me at any given moment.  But for today and the months ahead, this is what I need to do to survive.

Though it’s now two weeks late, for Self-Injury Awareness Day (March 1), I wrote a poem.  It was a way to cope with the chaotic rush of thoughts and try to seek some positive reprieve while in the hospital.  I am strong, and I will press on.

Broken to Redemption.

I never knew how hard the work would be on this road to recovery

Silent storms will eventually shatter, and I know one day the steps will matter

Days come where the beast rages from within while nights reveal cries from skin

Flesh marked with scars reminds of where we are

Yet it was far from sane where we found our pain

As prayers sing out, we hear the sound, hoping we can stand our ground

“Dear Jesus, bless our brokenness; give us strength today!

Deliver us as we work to resist!”

Healing can begin when we save our broken skin

Where pens scratch until they bleed, reminding of the desperate need…

Looking for a remedy, this isn’t your identity!

The price of bloodguilt has been paid; it’s in Christ’s name we are saved

Together, we walk through the journey of life, seeking reprieve in the midst of strife

Don’t give up, it’s worth the fight!  Even in the dark of night!

Even in the dark of night – don’t give up, it’s worth the fight!

2014
03/14
CATEGORY
Mental Health
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Transparency and Accountability: Helping Those Helping Others

I’m posting this today in part as a birthday gift to my best friend and accountability partner.  This post is specifically about accountability as it relates to pornography addiction, though it is my hope that the information provided can and will apply to accountability and addiction in general.

Talking about addiction to pornography is not an easy task.  It’s a problem many refuse to admit they have, let alone allow someone else in to help them get out of a lifestyle of sin.  Some might wish to argue that point, but the reality is a lot of porn comes directly out of human trafficking, the modern-day slavery.   I follow organizations such as Women at Risk International and Rapha House, part of whose purpose is to free those caught up in sex trafficking and give them opportunities for a better life.  Yet at the same time, stuck in my own little habit of porn, I go against the very thing I support – freedom.

Accountability calls for the freedom of the addict.  Having an accountability partner doesn’t simply make an addiction go away.  (If only that were the case!)  The reality is this: addiction is a symptom of the mind, and over time it rewires the brain to crave and need more of the addictive release in order to feel better.  Without it, it’s as though the brain goes crazy and searches out opportunities to get that release.  A struggling person will go to great lengths in order to escape the perceived negative reality.

Pornography, and alongside it masturbation, is not really about nudity and self-stimulated pleasure.  There’s bigger, deeper issues of pain, abuse, trauma, etc. going on within a person.  These are things the person holding them accountable needs to understand.  On top of this, it is also important to know that the person struggling with pornography might not know these underlying issues, for the emotions they bring up they have long since buried deep inside themselves.

That being said, an accountability partner should not be put in the position of counselor.  While they will have to make judgment calls on what to say and where to help, they themselves cannot tackle every point and that should be known to both parties as they take on the task of accountability.  It ought to take a certain level of maturity to know what one can and cannot handle.  If counseling is needed in addition to accountability, that should be a considered option.

The partner holding one accountable ought to know that in addiction, relapse happens.  In the midst of relapse, they ought to uplift and encourage their friend with Scripture and the hopes of moving forward.  In the midst of the person’s shame, guilt, and negative outlook of themselves, it is important to bring the focus back into a positive view of God as compassionate and understanding, much in the same light of the story of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32).

An accountability partner ought to encourage the truth of their friend and stick with them even when times are tough.  It’s a judgment call as to how accountability ought to be carried out – whether it be by phone or in person, and how often the two meet, whether daily, weekly, etc.  Sticking it out during a relapse may mean making the decision to show tough love, which might be what is needed in order to have a person see and face the reality of the situation before them.  How this could be put into effect can vary from person to person, so talking openly about relapse and relapse prevention and what the “tough love” might look like would be a smart strategy.

It’s important in accountability to have software set up to help monitor and filter one’s online activities.  For me personally,  x3Watch has been a huge blessing in the process of recovery.  I use x3Watch on all my mobile devices (cell phone, iPod Touch) and x3Watch Pro on my laptop.  Slip-ups happen, as I mentioned previously.  (And as a result, I’m in the process of looking to further make my devices more secure in order to help my recovery!)  Relapse is a part of addiction that must learned to be tamed.  It takes time.  But the time invested into this is worth it.  I have to remind myself of this on a daily basis, because sometimes it just doesn’t feel true.

Having a written plan of action during temptation is a great way to put into words what a person ought to do in the heat of the moment.  It will take time for the effects to take place, but the more one chooses to opt out of their addictive patterns for the sake of their purity and accountability, the more they will begin to rewire their brains towards healthy patterns.  Making time and putting effort into this will help the person struggling with addiction begin to realize how deeply their problem is affecting their life.  Asking the tough questions also allows for continued communication as to what is going on, and getting towards the root of one’s addiction.

So what’s there to say?  How can an accountability partner help their friend break free from the dark grasp of addiction?  Questions might seem tedious, but they help to get thoughts flowing as to what is going on and why it is happening.  It works much in the same way as counseling, though probably not as deep – the accountability partner becomes an active listener as they guide their friend through the thoughts and emotions taking place around the addiction.  The following questions are sample questions taken from A Christian Woman’s Guide to Breaking Free From Pornography by Shelley Hitz and S’ambrosia Curtis in Chapter 13 – Accountability: One Key to Breaking Free (pp. 79-80)

  • How has your spiritual life been?  Have you prayed, sincerely, and been reading God’s word?
  • Have you viewed any pornographic images since we last met, intentionally or unintentionally?
  • Have you acted out in any way since we last met? 
  • If so, how, and what steps will you take to avoid doing so in the future?
  • Have you done anything since we last met that you are ashamed of?
  • Have you lied to me today in any of your answers?
  • How can I pray for you today?

Such questions can be a start towards the recovery the person struggling needs in order to pull themselves out of the fantasy they have created around themselves, building walls away from their relationships to keep people out of their dark, hidden secret.  The process doesn’t happen overnight for change to take place, in most cases.

It could take years to pull away from years of building up selfish indulgence and tolerance which has brought them deeper and deeper in their cycle. A friend must be understanding of this, realizing this is more than just a spiritual and relational issue.  It’s a mental issue, too.  And these things together take time and patience.  Please be respectful of those who are hurting so much that they feel the need to escape.

Hold tightly to the truth that Jesus heals, and one day, your friend will be free.  Freedom isn’t a fast fix.  But it is obtainable.  Take it slow, take it one day at a time.  Be honest with yourself and with God and also with your friend; this goes for both sides of the accountability relationship.  It is only with Jesus that the heart and mind will be free.  Focus on Him always.

Another book that has helped me tremendously in the walk to freedom is Michael Cusick’s Surfing For God.  This book takes the reader through the psychological and spiritual forces at play when it comes to addiction to pornography and masturbation.  In my opinion, it’s one book needed in the collection towards freedom that gives practical advice from someone who’s dealt with it all in his own time.  Though it’s a book designed for men by a man, the points it makes are highly gender neutral in this battle when it comes to the core beliefs that we hold, and how to demolish strongholds in our lives.

In relation to this post, founder of XXXChurch Craig Gross, has an upcoming book on this topic called Open.  If you haven’t checked it out yet, I would recommend doing so.  It is my prayer that the book will help further the accountability my best friend and I have had during the last two years, and the time spent from here on out.  Living in openness is the best policy one could ask for, as it’s in the openness of our hearts that freedom reigns.

All of this comes out of my own personal experience in dealing with my addiction.  After many rough patches and difficult conversations, I realized it was in my hands to help the one helping me.  It is my hope that this would not only help my accountability partner, but also anyone who is holding someone accountable.

Grace and peace to you,

Kady

2013
07/17
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Mental Health
My Life / Christian Living
Porn Addiction
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Self-Injury Awareness Day

Recently, as I have been working on my college capstone paper of [Adolescent] Self-Injury, Blood in the Scripture Narrative, and the Church, I have been thinking a lot about the awareness of self-harm and how it is so often an issue swept under the rug or flat-out misunderstood when it is addressed.

As a result, self-injury is mishandled in regards to individual needs within the body of Christ.  This saddens me very deeply.  It is from some of the research that I have done for this particular paper that this post has been formed.  It is through a sense of urgency for change within the church and a personal passion for healing and understanding towards self-harm that I write these thoughts.

It’s March 1, and today you’ll find me wearing orange in support of self-injury recovery and spreading awareness for the issue.

Christians can experience intense emotional pain and express it outwardly in self-injurious behavior, just like anyone else!  The problem of self-injury in the church is the guilt and shame that is lavished towards the hurting and broken.  The messages they hear contradict what they are taught in Jesus.  What is misunderstood is that self-harm is a form of communication, and so people who feel they have no other outlet are shunned and shamed, condemned and judged.

But, dear Church.…

Where is grace?  Where is love?

… … … Freedom?  Healing?

WHY are we not being the hands and feet of Jesus towards our own people?  Our fear is unacceptable.  We might be more willing to reach out to a non-believing self-injuring person because they “don’t know Jesus” and obviously that’s why they hurt themselves.  Well, no.  That’s wrong.  People are not some project to be fixed, regardless of faith or what they might believe.  Self-injury has little or nothing to do with faith beliefs alone; rather, it has everything to do about the belief of self.  In the way self-injury is looked down upon, the church solidifies the very core negative self-beliefs that someone might believe.

In Armando Favazza’s Bodies Under Siege, he gives these common maladaptive thoughts about self-harm: “It is acceptable because it always provides quick relief; it doesn’t hurt anyone but me; It’s my friend; It’s my way of communicating what I feel inside; I deserve to be punished; I’m unlovable, a bad person, and a loser in life; It keeps people away; My body is my enemy; I’m ugly and my body is disgusting; I can’t stop cutting myself; I’m addicted to cutting; It’s what keeps me from killing myself” (p. 259).

So the church’s response to self-harm ought to be in an understanding grace.  On some level, we know what it feels like to just feel inadequate.  Yet, that’s not the typical response as far as I’ve seen it.  It’s upsetting and disappointing.

“Oh, you hurt yourself?  You must not love God enough.

Did you realize that as a Christian you are the temple of the Holy Spirit?  How do you feel about that?”

I could scream.  Oh my God, I could scream.  In fact, I have raged over this one before.  PLEASE tell me I’m not the only one who becomes infuriated at such a response towards self-harm. Sadly, it’s a typical one that I’ve seen in the church.  If you would just love God more, you could be free from your self-injurious behavior.  You’re God’s holy temple for the Spirit who lives inside you.  Let’s take Scripture completely out of context for that particular one.  Mkay.  And if you’re struggling with self-injury the thought that comes to mind might be something like this: “As though that changes the internal pain that seems to be crawling through my very veins.  Riiiight.  Are you living in reality?  I am in pain; don’t you see that?!”

Something has got to change.  We need to empower the hurting rather than tear them down.  We’ve got to encourage them to seek help and put the brakes on our own emotions for their sake.  As the church, the body of Christ, let’s be the change!  Let it begin with ourselves and within ourselves.  Let’s bring hope to the brokenness around us and light up darkened paths.  It might do us good to look at the Biblical narrative to see how blood and bloodshed are handled throughout Scripture and see for ourselves how blood is the source of life used in the atonement for sins, and in Christ, our healing.

Perhaps we could back up and see in some way the one who self-injures actually understands the power of Christ’s atonement for sins at a greater level through their personal bloodshed.  They have felt and seen the “healing” that comes in the form of blood.  Through their own experience, they have seen for themselves what Christ has done for them and know that blood does bring about a sense of healing.  With this knowledge they can know that they do not need to continue harming themselves.

This is the good news for them!  They have the ability through their own pain to reconcile with the fact that Christ’s blood has been shed so they do not have to further hurt themselves!  But we ought to be conscientious towards them in love and care and encourage them to seek treatment.  Their story can become a testimony to the power of blood and what Christ has done, all the more.  We can give them some credit and empower them in this knowledge!

I am biased, of course, and a lot of what I write is from my own personal experience.  I am a young woman recovering from my own journey of self-injury.  And that example given towards the beginning?  Yeah, that’s been used on me before.  And all it did was serve to piss me off and make me more self-loathing as I tried to justify and understand what I was experiencing and acting upon.  Why can I not just stop this and be better for God’s sake?  Why can’t I fix this?  I’m in pain!  I deserve this.  I need this.  They don’t understand.  What is wrong with me?  …I must be broken…  I can stop at any time.  It’s not that bad…  I can’t live without it.  My emotions and thoughts were confusing, scattered, and painful when I paused to reflect upon them.

I was seen in a one-dimensional sort of way;

I was a cutter.

My self-injurious behavior became my identity.

As I’ve heard it said, “hurting people hurt people.”  You could say that again.  I was so angry that nothing seemed to be changing. I just couldn’t persist my way through it, no matter how hard I tried.  I was afraid of being weak or seen as such, and afraid of somehow hurting someone else, and in my frustration I became passive-aggressive.  I needed help that went beyond just the spiritual and my faith.  After all, this was an issue that penetrated not only my faith, but my emotions, my self-beliefs, and my physical self.  It encompassed all of me.  As such, I needed to find healing in the form of wholeness.

And so, if you struggle with self-harm, I urge you to seek help.  Not tomorrow, not the next time you hurt yourself or even feel the urge to hurt yourself.  Talk to someone.  Do it as soon as possible.  Find a counselor, a safe person; seek treatment in therapy.  If you’ve never sought this before, you might feel the itching fear rising up inside.  Fight for you.  Believe you are worth it.  If you’ve relapsed during recovery, you may feel a similar fear; don’t give up.  Keep fighting for you.

You are not alone in this struggle.  Keep fighting for the story you live.  It’s worth it.

Remember, you are loved.  You are not a “cutter” or a “burner” or whatever label self-injury has given you.  That is not the sum of who you are.  My favorite quote from the book Cutting by Steven Levenkron is simply this: “A victim’s illness is not her identity” (p. 63).  Believe this is true.  You are so much more than this.  You can overcome this.  It is not by mere persistence alone that you’ll get there.  Lean into people, allow them to help you.  Seek help.  Keep trying, keep going.  This thing didn’t happen to appear overnight, and as such it’s going to take time to get free.  Be patiently persistent.  But never give up; your story matters.

If you’ve tracked with me through this whole post, thank you!  Please take the time today to care for those that are hurting; your encouragement, love, hope, and acceptance might help spur them forward to the changes they want to see for themselves, but are unable to reach on their own.  People need you, perhaps more than you know.  Be available.

Be aware of the fact that whether or not you know it, someone in your life might be struggling with self-harm.  Above all, know that the blood of Jesus covers them just as it covers us.  Don’t be reactive out of fear or anger, but be proactive in love.

Recovery is just one portion in the journey of life.  We can walk through it together.

– – – – –

Interested in additional resources?

The following pyramid of links are websites that have fueled a portion of my research or spurred my personal recovery from self-injurious behavior.  I hope they serve to bring more understanding to your research or recovery!

LifeSigns

Self-Injury Foundation

S.A.F.E. – Self-Abuse Finally Ends

TWLOHA – To Write Love on Her Arms

Cornell Research Program on Self-Injurious Behavior

Grace and peace to you,

Kady

2013
03/01
CATEGORY
Christianity
Mental Health
My Life / Christian Living
Porn Addiction
Self-Injury
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Addiction and Integrity

“I am a child of God but tonight I am a struggling addict.

I want to fight but I don’t want to fight anymore.”

I decided to crack open a journal I had written between the end of January and the beginning of June throughout 2012.  This journal is a telling flood of emotions; ‘good’ days, ‘bad’ days, and the struggles painted in lyrics and doodles in a consistent day-to-day basis.

There is something to be said about being honest with what’s going on inside the mind…but as I poured myself out, only on this one occasion did I bear myself entirely.  I gave the struggle a name, and in turn I became the godless monster, living in a nightmare without control, yet fully capable of choice.

Yet this one page doesn’t even belong to the journal itself; it’s written on loose-leaf and stuck between two February pages, in which I can only assume was the timeframe in which it was written.  It’s about that time of year again, and the words penned in ink then still hold their weight now.

My fight between the balance of addiction recovery and integrity had only just begun.  Again.  Seasons came and went and have come back around.  So I struggle, but I do not give up.  The prayers that came from such a desperate heart are humbling.

Faith tells me that Christ is my strength made perfect in weakness.

2013
02/17
CATEGORY
My Life / Christian Living
Porn Addiction
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