Thoughts and Inspirations through the Journey! :)

I’m posting this today in part as a birthday gift to my best friend and accountability partner.  This post is specifically about accountability as it relates to pornography addiction, though it is my hope that the information provided can and will apply to accountability and addiction in general.

Talking about addiction to pornography is not an easy task.  It’s a problem many refuse to admit they have, let alone allow someone else in to help them get out of a lifestyle of sin.  Some might wish to argue that point, but the reality is a lot of porn comes directly out of human trafficking, the modern-day slavery.   I follow organizations such as Women at Risk International and Rapha House, part of whose purpose is to free those caught up in sex trafficking and give them opportunities for a better life.  Yet at the same time, stuck in my own little habit of porn, I go against the very thing I support – freedom.

Accountability calls for the freedom of the addict.  Having an accountability partner doesn’t simply make an addiction go away.  (If only that were the case!)  The reality is this: addiction is a symptom of the mind, and over time it rewires the brain to crave and need more of the addictive release in order to feel better.  Without it, it’s as though the brain goes crazy and searches out opportunities to get that release.  A struggling person will go to great lengths in order to escape the perceived negative reality.

Pornography, and alongside it masturbation, is not really about nudity and self-stimulated pleasure.  There’s bigger, deeper issues of pain, abuse, trauma, etc. going on within a person.  These are things the person holding them accountable needs to understand.  On top of this, it is also important to know that the person struggling with pornography might not know these underlying issues, for the emotions they bring up they have long since buried deep inside themselves.

That being said, an accountability partner should not be put in the position of counselor.  While they will have to make judgment calls on what to say and where to help, they themselves cannot tackle every point and that should be known to both parties as they take on the task of accountability.  It ought to take a certain level of maturity to know what one can and cannot handle.  If counseling is needed in addition to accountability, that should be a considered option.

The partner holding one accountable ought to know that in addiction, relapse happens.  In the midst of relapse, they ought to uplift and encourage their friend with Scripture and the hopes of moving forward.  In the midst of the person’s shame, guilt, and negative outlook of themselves, it is important to bring the focus back into a positive view of God as compassionate and understanding, much in the same light of the story of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32).

An accountability partner ought to encourage the truth of their friend and stick with them even when times are tough.  It’s a judgment call as to how accountability ought to be carried out – whether it be by phone or in person, and how often the two meet, whether daily, weekly, etc.  Sticking it out during a relapse may mean making the decision to show tough love, which might be what is needed in order to have a person see and face the reality of the situation before them.  How this could be put into effect can vary from person to person, so talking openly about relapse and relapse prevention and what the “tough love” might look like would be a smart strategy.

It’s important in accountability to have software set up to help monitor and filter one’s online activities.  For me personally,  x3Watch has been a huge blessing in the process of recovery.  I use x3Watch on all my mobile devices (cell phone, iPod Touch) and x3Watch Pro on my laptop.  Slip-ups happen, as I mentioned previously.  (And as a result, I’m in the process of looking to further make my devices more secure in order to help my recovery!)  Relapse is a part of addiction that must learned to be tamed.  It takes time.  But the time invested into this is worth it.  I have to remind myself of this on a daily basis, because sometimes it just doesn’t feel true.

Having a written plan of action during temptation is a great way to put into words what a person ought to do in the heat of the moment.  It will take time for the effects to take place, but the more one chooses to opt out of their addictive patterns for the sake of their purity and accountability, the more they will begin to rewire their brains towards healthy patterns.  Making time and putting effort into this will help the person struggling with addiction begin to realize how deeply their problem is affecting their life.  Asking the tough questions also allows for continued communication as to what is going on, and getting towards the root of one’s addiction.

So what’s there to say?  How can an accountability partner help their friend break free from the dark grasp of addiction?  Questions might seem tedious, but they help to get thoughts flowing as to what is going on and why it is happening.  It works much in the same way as counseling, though probably not as deep – the accountability partner becomes an active listener as they guide their friend through the thoughts and emotions taking place around the addiction.  The following questions are sample questions taken from A Christian Woman’s Guide to Breaking Free From Pornography by Shelley Hitz and S’ambrosia Curtis in Chapter 13 – Accountability: One Key to Breaking Free (pp. 79-80)

• How has your spiritual life been?  Have you prayed, sincerely, and been reading God’s word?
• Have you viewed any pornographic images since we last met, intentionally or unintentionally?
• Have you acted out in any way since we last met? 
• If so, how, and what steps will you take to avoid doing so in the future?
• Have you done anything since we last met that you are ashamed of?
• Have you lied to me today in any of your answers?
• How can I pray for you today?

Such questions can be a start towards the recovery the person struggling needs in order to pull themselves out of the fantasy they have created around themselves, building walls away from their relationships to keep people out of their dark, hidden secret.  The process doesn’t happen overnight for change to take place, in most cases.

It could take years to pull away from years of building up selfish indulgence and tolerance which has brought them deeper and deeper in their cycle. A friend must be understanding of this, realizing this is more than just a spiritual and relational issue.  It’s a mental issue, too.  And these things together take time and patience.  Please be respectful of those who are hurting so much that they feel the need to escape.

Hold tightly to the truth that Jesus heals, and one day, your friend will be free.  Freedom isn’t a fast fix.  But it is obtainable.  Take it slow, take it one day at a time.  Be honest with yourself and with God and also with your friend; this goes for both sides of the accountability relationship.  It is only with Jesus that the heart and mind will be free.  Focus on Him always.

Another book that has helped me tremendously in the walk to freedom is Michael Cusick’s Surfing For God.  This book takes the reader through the psychological and spiritual forces at play when it comes to addiction to pornography and masturbation.  In my opinion, it’s one book needed in the collection towards freedom that gives practical advice from someone who’s dealt with it all in his own time.  Though it’s a book designed for men by a man, the points it makes are highly gender neutral in this battle when it comes to the core beliefs that we hold, and how to demolish strongholds in our lives.

In relation to this post, founder of XXXChurch Craig Gross, has an upcoming book on this topic called Open.  If you haven’t checked it out yet, I would recommend doing so.  It is my prayer that the book will help further the accountability my best friend and I have had during the last two years, and the time spent from here on out.  Living in openness is the best policy one could ask for, as it’s in the openness of our hearts that freedom reigns.

All of this comes out of my own personal experience in dealing with my addiction.  After many rough patches and difficult conversations, I realized it was in my hands to help the one helping me.  It is my hope that this would not only help my accountability partner, but also anyone who is holding someone accountable.

Grace and peace to you,

Kady