Thoughts and Inspirations through the Journey! :)

I can only imagine the uproar.

Three little words marked my great commitment. Three words, “True Love Waits”, expressing my desire to remain pure until marriage. Years went by as did many struggles. The ever-taboo addiction of pornography mixed with the lifelong compulsion of masturbation tore away at my purity commitment. And then one day in 2010, God threw me for a loop. It was October 16 when He asked me to dedicate my life over to Him, completely. And so I did. Yet at the same time that I was slipping off that ring of commitment, that same whisper of a voice was telling me to hang onto it.

But, why, God? When you have called me to celibacy…?

I shook my head and decided against questioning any further. I quietly tucked the ring away in my jewelry box and continued on with my life. At this point, I had already begun a masturbation cleanse and was two months in; I would continue on this course for another fifteen months. I would spend this same time free from the haunting grips of pornography.

Little did I know that those happy months would soon crash into a deep spiral of depression. I would take up my old habits, seeking comfort and escape. The ring bought as a reminder of celibacy held no more weight than the purity ring once did. I would later burn this particular ring, following another call of God to live for Him.

But…God? Isn’t celibacy what you asked of me?

Around the same time came a vision, a prophecy; within three years I would be married.

How confusing.

I shrugged it off a bit. No man will ever possibly love me. Not with my past. Not with my demons. Not with my mental illness. It’s just not possible, God. How can You say that it is?

Yet it was always on my mind. What are You plotting up there, God?

It was almost as if I could see the cosmic grin, as if He were stifling a laugh at things yet to come.

As if to say, “You’re going to like this. Just wait, my child.”

It’s time for new beginnings, and those promises of God begin now.

March 28, 2014 is the day I fell head over heels in love with a man. Previously in February, he had been the one to snap me out of deep dissociation through a text, the morning I returned to a psychiatric facility. Without that momentary vibration, an act of self-injury could have led to my suicide. And so I am grateful. He loves me, past, demons, mental illness and all beyond those things.  God has blessed me more than my words can say.

As for that purity ring?  It rests again on my finger, a promise.

And I don’t deserve him.