Thoughts and Inspirations through the Journey! :)

Four years.  It’s hard to believe it’s really been that long.  I was a Junior in high school then…now, I’m a Junior in college.  It was today that my world fell apart, and a certain hell began.  I had begun the damning cycle of cutting.  Some people stray away from that word when it comes to discussing their self-inflicted wounds, opting rather to say self-mutilation/self-injury/self-harm, whatever.  But this is exactly what it was – I cut.  Actually, this day, I scratched.  It would be another month or so before the behavior escalated.  The depression I was in was stronger, I felt, than I was.  I thought that if I didn’t self-medicate, I would die suffocating.  It was a vicious, confusing cycle.  Eight months went by before I started the road to recovery.  Seventeen months later, I would fall again, and be back at it every few months, just to release the tension and stress of the life of this college Freshman.  I haven’t hurt myself since the June of that summer.  It’s been almost sixteen months (will be on October 4.)

The few noticeable scars left down my forearms will always remind me of that pain.  That pain encompassed my entire being – physical, psychological, spiritual, emotional – it cannot easily be forgotten.  It is not something I can simply “move on” from, and so I embrace it, I remember it, and part of me cherishes it.  Scars to me are also reminders of healing – that pain is in the past.  I was recently reminded that I am stronger now than I was back then.  I had a major anxiety attack the other night, where part of me desperately wanted to grab a razor, but I fought and overcame that urge and instead I was able to pick up the phone and call my best friend.  Philippians 4:13 (“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”) is a constant reminder that through Christ, I am becoming stronger every day.  Because I overcame the other night, I have already proven this to myself.  I feel weak right now, but even in my weakness, God is revealing His strength…and showing me that I am stronger than I believe myself to be.     

Without going through what I have gone through, I may never have accepted my calling to ministry.  That to me is the biggest thing of all.  To not have accepted the calling to “Go and heal the broken,” I would probably not be here at this college right now.  I would not be studying the Bible or Psychology as I am.  I wouldn’t have a heart of helping others as I do – what I had in mind for myself was nothing like this!  But this is better for me by far.  I have learned about who I am.  I have learned to embrace the artistic sides of me that go alongside the existential thought that I am ‘creating’ myself.  I am free to be myself – I have been made new through the blood of Jesus.  This is one of the reasons why I believe that people who have self-mutilated can have a greater understanding of the power of Christ’s blood – because we once took that same sort of “responsibility” in our own hands.  The blessing is that He has taken such a responsibility for me, for us.  It is to my joy to be healing, to be in recovery.  It has given me the opportunity to reach out to those in need.  I’m grateful for emotions.  I’m grateful to be alive. 

Yesterday I celebrated a year clean of self-injury.  I have done this once before; eighteen months had gone by between the April of my Junior year of high school and the December of my Freshman year of college.  I have been told not to give up hope, even if it’s true that this is something I struggle with for the rest of my life.  

I am in school, being educated in Psychology and Theology, that one day I will be a Psychologist who works with adolescents with crisis-type issues – that is, self-harm, addiction, suicide, and eating disorders.  My own experiences allow me to press forward in helping others, and where I may not be able to relate as much, I have heard testimonies and continue to do research that give me a sense of what it means to live with ______. 

I am excited to see where God leads me; He has brought me to a realization that even the darkest corners of my mind can be filled with light and understanding.  I don’t have to be afraid of myself for what I have done, rather, I can rejoice that it helps me have insight into the lives of those around me.